I have to fucking piss again. Brian gripped the wheel and hunched over as he stared out over the hypnotic sea of the freeway. He studied every sign as if he hadn’t already driven through the last town for 60 miles only 25 minutes ago.
This happens every time. Brian was not only a semi-driver but also the owner of the seemingly smallest bladder in the country. This combination along with his rapid consumption of Red Bull and Gatorade was the perfect storm for an anxiety attack and roughly 30 additional stops a day.
“Billings 30 miles” read a sign in the distance. Brian crunched the numbers in his head, 30 miles at 60mph would take 30 minutes—a mathematician. Brian bit his lip and tried to take his mind off the building pressure in his midsection. He started counting the minutes and staring at the odometer on the dashboard, hopelessly bartering with God to make the time pass more quickly.
“Billings 20 miles”. Panic swarmed Brian as it had been over an hour in his mind. He began biting his nails and thinking about a walk through the desert. What’s this? A river forms in the sand under his feet, perfectly split between his legs. How wonderful it would feel to undo his fly and let-er rip. Brian’s smile faded in a flash as he snapped back to reality over the rumble strips on the shoulder of the freeway. Each bump like shaking a can of soda.
Billings 10 miles”. The dance had begun. Left to right, right to left, snaking his spine. A classic demonstration of modern interpretive dance. Brian was a master of his craft, this was not his first rodeo; and likely not his last. He saw the light, the path that he was on was the only one worth traveling. He trudged along and spoke confident words to himself, “You can do it” “I’m proud of you” “less liquid next time”, and so forth. Amidst his deranged state, Brian took notice of a baby deer and its mother hopping over the guardrail of the freeway. Brian’s heart dropped and he jerked the wheel to the left which caught his 18-wheeler in a fish-tail. Brian’s anxiety got the best of him and he panicked. He swerved and let out a yelp as he managed to get the truck back on track. Brian sighed audibly in relief. He’d saved the deer’s life, he was a hero.
Billings 5 miles”. Brian pissed himself - again.